


Dreams are Dead

by Vena



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Angst, HUGE Spoilers for MGSV, I tried to keep it G but there's implications I guess, If you haven't seen the truth ending please don't read this yet I don't want to spoil you, M/M, i'm in pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-29
Updated: 2015-09-29
Packaged: 2018-04-23 22:42:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4895074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vena/pseuds/Vena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They were true comrades, once. He’d thought there was nothing that could come between them, but he knew now that was just a foolish thought from a foolish young man. Now, they were just as much enemies as they had been when they’d first met. Enemies were relative, and changed with the times. That was something Big Boss had told him too, once upon a time. </p><p>They were enemies again, and nothing would ever change that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dreams are Dead

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic is kind of a mess and I'm still not happy with the title or the ending and I apologize for that ;u; This was mostly an attempt for me to try and come to terms with what happened so if things seem OOC it was half a rant and I'm sorry! I don't know if I'll ever stop hurting about this why did this have to happen WHY 
> 
> Again, Spoilers for MGSV so don't keep reading if you haven't finished it yet!

There were few things Kaz hated more than stairs. Stairs mocked him; reminded him of things that once came so easily that he would never be able to do again. He remembered jogging down staircases two to three stairs at a time, jumping the last five to the ground. Now, he was lucky if he could take them half a step at a time. He wasn’t sure what had possessed him to set up his office on the top floor of the command platform. Despite the frustration that mounted whenever he took the stairs instead of hitching a ride up on the helicopter, there were a few nice things about the location. The view was phenomenal and offered a great vantage point to look out over all of Mother Base. Most staff members didn’t like coming up this far unless it was for something important, and silence was something Kaz had begun to appreciate more after everything that had happened. He hated stairs, but there were worse things out there.

Like Big Boss.

At first, once Ocelot had told him the truth, Kaz had resented Venom. Resented him for wearing the face of Big Boss, for helping him perpetuate the lie. But he hadn’t truly realized it himself; in fact, these days Kaz almost felt sorry for the man. Any life he’d had before had been stolen from him, stolen by brainwashing and by the man whose resemblance he now shared. Kaz’s distaste would never wane for Ocelot, however. He’d had a big hand in this whole thing, and hadn’t said a single word. He probably had some smug satisfaction that Big Boss had trusted him with this information over Kaz, and that was probably the part that stung most of all.

This was the other part Kaz hated about going up all these steps. It gave him too much time to think. Too much time to dwell on what was, and what would never be again. Too much time to drown himself in his memories; memories well over nine years old. Memories of the bond he and Big Boss used to share. Memories of everything they had built together, everything they had dreamed together. Memories of the love they’d once had.

Ocelot had only dropped the bomb on him recently; a single week ago. In that week, the good memories that remained had all become tainted and misshapen by the flames of betrayal and lies. Big Boss had been the one man that Kaz still trusted after the attack on the old Mother Base. After the fall of MSF, after being betrayed by one of their own, it was hard for him to ever trust people as he had back then. He’d hardly trusted a good amount of the Diamond Dogs, even though they’d done nothing to earn his suspicion. But there had always been one man that no matter what happened, he had felt would never lead him astray. Never lie to him.

Big Boss.

Both physically and mentally grateful, Kaz had finally reached the top of the stairs. Soon, he’d be buried in a mountain of paperwork and it would hopefully drown out the thoughts that plagued him. As he opened the door, he was surprised to see someone sitting down in his free chair. Venom, by the looks of it. Kaz didn’t want to admit it, but ever since he’d found out he’d been very consciously avoiding the man as much as he could. Was this a confrontation? This isn’t something he’d wanted to deal with today, not with the thoughts that were still eating at the back of his mind.

“Kaz. It’s good to see you,” Venom said, standing up and taking a few steps closer as Kaz closed the door behind him. Now that he got a better look at the man, something seemed very wrong. Venom’s face was too clean; no scars littered his features, and the chunk of shrapnel that stuck out of his skull was also missing. The instant the realization hit him, he turned around just as quickly as he’d entered. He wrenched the door open just in time for the older man to slam it shut again.

“Kaz, look at me. How long has it been now?” he asked, and Kaz refused to turn around and face him. He considered opening the door again, but he could feel a hand planted on the door next to his head. So much for that plan.

“Not long enough,” Kaz ground out, slamming his crutch hard into the floor, “I have nothing to say to you.” He wasn’t ready for this. He hated getting emotional, and this was the last man he wanted to show any weakness to. He didn’t know what to say. Strong hands found themselves on his shoulders, urging him to turn around. He tried to fight it, but he wasn’t as strong as he used to be. He couldn’t fight him as an equal anymore. He finally allowed himself to be turned around, but he wouldn’t look at his face.

Big Boss’s face.

The face that once graced his dreams and now haunted his nightmares.

“Come on, Kaz, talk to me,” he murmured, Kaz almost tempted to look but still refused to.

“About what? It’s too late for talk, don’t you get it?” Kaz replied, voice harsh as he gripped his crutch harder in frustration, “Do you really think you can just waltz in here-“ he gives Big Boss’s ankle a quick hit with his cane for emphasis, “after everything that’s happened, and expect me to be happy to see you? No. That ship has sailed. We’re done.” The older man gave a frustrated huff as he took Kaz’s chin in hand, tilting it up towards his face. Kaz resists the temptation for a minute before he finally allows himself to take a closer look at the man.

His features are a bit aged now, but there’s no mistaking it. The phantom’s likeness was spot on; so spot on, that he hadn’t been able to tell the difference. That thought still made Kaz disappointed and disgusted with himself. He jerked his chin back, taking a few hobbled steps away from him. Of course, he followed right behind.

“I know it’s been a long time. I know things have changed,” he said, Kaz cursing himself lightly as he turned to face the man again, “I know I’ve messed up with you. It still doesn’t change how I felt. How I still feel.”

Kaz snorted, mouth turning down in a harsh frown. “Really. You’re right about one thing Boss- no, _Snake,_ ” he hissed, “Things have changed. I’ve finally seen just what kind of man you really are. And I’m telling you again, I’ve got no more time for you.”

“Kaz, I still care for you. Why can’t you see that?” Boss murmured, bringing his hands to rest on Kaz’s cheeks. How familiar it felt, yet how foreign. Two hands of flesh were no longer the same; the cold metal of Venom’s prosthetic was more comforting than _his_ hands now. A soft stroke of his thumb under the rims of his sunglasses had Kaz leaning into the touch, and it made him sick. He pulled his head away, turning his back to Big Boss.

“Why can’t I see that?” he laughed harshly, nudging his aviators onto his forehead, “I can’t seem to see much of anything anymore, let alone the feelings of a man who abandoned me.” He turned to face the older man again, mouth pulled into a tight line. Big Boss let a small hint of surprise show in his gaze; no doubt at the milky white film that clouded his once-blue eyes.

“How can you possibly act like _I’M_ the delusional one here?” he tried to keep his voice steady, and he cursed the emotion he could hear leaking out of him. “Don’t you get it, Snake? I waited for you. For nine whole years, I waited for you. No one knew if you were ever going to wake up from that coma, you know. Hell, I didn’t even know where that bastard Zero moved you to.” He laughed again, shaking his head. “Do you know what that was like? Waking up in the hospital after everything that had happened, and you were gone? I looked high and low for you. Even though I had no idea where they’d taken you, I still would have waited. I would have waited for you until the day I died. Even if you never woke up, I would have waited for you. I would have kept our plans in motion. I would have protected you.” Boss’s face remained stagnant, and that only served to fuel Kaz’s anger. His hand shook as he gripped his crutch tightly, taking a step closer to Big Boss. His voice began to quiver and he tried to maintain a flat tone, but that was now proving impossible.

“I kept our dream alive. I founded Diamond Dogs in the hopes that when you woke up, we would work together again like we always had. Rebuild what we had lost, bigger and better than before.” He took another step closer to the older man, his voice still trembling, “I was willing to sacrifice _everything_ for you. I gave up my arm, my leg. My eyes, and whatever else they would have taken from me. To keep you safe. To get you out of that hospital.” _I gave you my heart,_ he bitterly thought to himself. Big Boss was still quiet, his expression betraying nothing. Kaz’s head drooped for a moment, his sunglasses sliding down his face until they perched on the bridge of his nose again.. Even with the aviators once again shielding the windows to his soul, Kaz knew the tremors in his voice were betraying him.

“I’d resigned to my fate, in Afghanistan. I was prepared to die there if it meant that you could get out of that place alive. If you never came for me, I wouldn’t have blamed you. Yet I still confided in Ocelot, asked him to send for you. Even if I didn’t make it out of that hell alive, I just wanted to see you one more time before I went. Feel your touch, hear your voice. When I heard him speak through that bag on my head, I’d had my doubts. I thought I was finally going delirious, that my mind was playing tricks on me.” he gave a short laugh, completely humorless. “When I could finally see again, when I caught a glimpse of that face?” his voice cracked hard as his hand began to ache with the force of his grip, “He was so close. His hands on my face, even that cold, unfamiliar prosthetic felt warm and comforting. He even smelled like you. There was no doubt in my heart that you had come for me; finally, after all those years. It had been so long, I was completely fooled.” He ground out the next word through gritted teeth. “Congratulations.”

He finally looked up at Big Boss again, dreading what he’d see. His expression still hadn’t changed much, but there was a hint of sadness in his eye now.

“I’m sorry, Kaz.” That was all he could say. Kaz clenched his teeth, moving as fast as his prosthetic would allow as he fully closed the gap between them. He grabbed the man by his collar, crutch clattering to the floor as he held his face inches from his.

“You’re ‘sorry’? That’s it?” he laughed again, disbelieving this time. He shook the collar, drawing the other even closer. “I lost everythingfor you. For _you_ , Snake. I never wanted to do it for your phantom. I never wanted to give for him. I never wanted to rely on him. I never wanted to _love_ him.” Tears pricked the corners of his eyes and he was grateful for the shield his aviators provided. “All I wanted was for you to come for me. And you couldn’t even do that.”

“Kaz-“ the younger man pulled him even closer, their foreheads banging together roughly.

“Why couldn’t you _tell_ me!?” he interrupted, grip still tight on Big Boss’s jacket, “I wouldn’t have cared if you had just told me what was going on from the beginning!” He could feel the tears crawling down his cheeks, his face warm with resentment and embarrassment. “Can you imagine what that’s like? Having this revelation passed on to me through _Ocelot_ after all that time? Couldn’t even be bothered to tell me yourself, huh?” his voice dropped to a low murmur, eyes looking anywhere but into the older man’s, “I’m worthless to you in this state. I get it. I can hardly walk now let alone fight; what use do you have for me anymore?” Big Boss’s expression suddenly turned serious as he brought his arms up, holding Kaz up by the shoulders.

“I didn’t know, Kaz,” he hissed, breath hot on Kaz’s face, “and even if I had, it would never have changed how I felt about you. It still hasn’t. I’ll never forget the days of MSF; I’ll never forget the time we spent together. The dream we shared. The losses we suffered. The things that you and I will never get back. I could never forget. ” Kaz couldn’t hold back anymore. The tears fell faster as he pushed lamely against Big Boss’s chest.

“Then _why!_?” he cried, hitting him with more force, “If you care so much for me, why couldn’t you tell me? Why did you let me think Venom was _you?_ ” The older man brought one hand to Kaz’s cheek, brushing through the wetness with his thumb. Kaz pushed halfheartedly against his chest again, cursing himself for not trying harder. For not wanting to try harder. “I kissed him, Snake. I touched him. I let him touch me,” he whispered, voice broken, “If you didn’t forget our dream, if you didn’t forget about us; why did you turn your back on me?” The anger had dissipated now; it had fizzled and burned itself out and in its place a deep pit of sorrow and self-loathing had opened up in his gut. His grip weakened, but Big Boss held him upright with his strong and once-familiar arms.

Without another word, Kaz felt lips press against his. Soft in pressure but Boss’s lips were rough and chapped, making it feel harsher than it really was. Unmarred by scars, this was how Kaz remembered it. Almost feeling lost in time, he felt himself kissing back without any real thought of his own. The kiss was slow, but Kaz couldn’t deal with that. He kissed him rougher, biting hard enough on his lower lip to draw blood. Big Boss grunted but relented, letting the younger man set the pace and following along. Kaz sucked on the wound, raising his hand to fist through the older man’s hair harshly. In return, Big Boss held him closer and moved a hand to wrap around his waist. When he felt it move lower to rest in his back pocket, Kaz finally managed to snap out of his stupor and pull his head away.

“Don’t touch me,” he hissed, struggling to free himself from the stronger man’s grip. When he finally managed to pull himself out of his embrace his balance was thrown off kilter and he hit the ground, prosthetic leg bent at an awkward angle. Big Boss crouched down to help him up, but he was shoved away as Kaz sat up on his own. “You never answered me.”

This time it was the older man who couldn’t look at him. “I had to begin preparation for this on my own, Kaz. Cipher knows full well how close we are; if you were caught with me, then this whole plan would have been for naught. After all, where would you be if not by my side?”

“Bullshit,” Kaz murmured, scraping his crutch off the floor beside him, “You still could have told me. I could have helped Venom if you only asked me to. There was nothing stopping you.”

“If I’d told you and Cipher had managed to find out about this whole thing, who would they suspect would know my real location? They know how close we are. Anyone looking for me, would look for you. And you know how Cipher is; if they’d captured you, they would have tortured you for answers. I couldn’t have put you knowingly into that kind of situation. I still can’t forget what they did to Chico and Paz. If they’d done that to you too…”

For a moment, Kaz believed him. For a single moment, he almost forgave Big Boss for this whole thing. Then the dull ache that began to throb in his stumped arm reminded him of reality. He scoffed, using his crutch as a leverage to stand again. This time, Big Boss kept his distance.

“Is that what you have to tell yourself? That you couldn’t tell me for my own protection?” he gestured down at his body; his prosthetic leg, the empty arm of his coat, “As you can see, that worked out splendidly.” The other man opened his mouth to speak but quickly closed it when Kaz hit his leg with his crutch.

“The only one you were thinking of when you withheld this information was yourself, Snake. If I played my part and Venom played his, Cipher would be none the wiser. He was just a decoy for you, wasn’t he? Me too. We were here to keep Cipher’s prying eyes away from you. And it worked great, didn’t it? You fooled everyone; even yourself!” He gave him a cold stare, and he was certain the older man could feel it even behind his sunglasses. “You’re just as pathetic as that piece of shit Huey; everything done in a selfish effort to protect yourself, to perpetuate yourself. You’ve twisted reality into something that suits only you. You could care less what happens to us here.”

Big Boss moved to speak again but Kaz hit his other leg with the crutch. “I don’t want to hear it! Just go. Leave. You want to go and establish your country? Fine. But I’m done supporting you. I’m through. I’m as much of a phantom now as your own.”

“But Kaz, you don’t-“

“ _GO.”_

Big Boss reached toward him and Kaz jabbed him in the chest with the butt of his crutch as hard as he could without losing balance. The older man’s hand closed into a silent fist, stepping back as he rubbed at what was likely bruising under his shirt. He stepped towards the door, quietly turning the handle. He turned to face Kaz one last time.

“I’m sorry.”

With that, Big Boss closed the door behind him. Kaz waited until he could hear his footsteps leaving before sinking back down to the floor, throwing his crutch at the door in pain. Now, he didn’t hold back the gut-wrenching sobs that wrung themselves from his throat.

 _I realized then that the battlefield doesn’t only divide people into allies and enemies._  
_Sometimes it tells you more than just who’s an ally or who’s an enemy._  
 _Sometimes it helps reveal your true comrades._

_Like you and me, huh?_

Those words were from a different world; a different lifetime. They were true comrades, once. He’d thought there was nothing that could come between them, but he knew now that was just a foolish thought from a foolish young man. Now, they were just as much enemies as they had been when they’d first met. Enemies were relative, and changed with the times. That was something Big Boss had told him too, once upon a time.

They were enemies again, and nothing would ever change that.


End file.
